Why

It's the day of my surgery. It is now 12:08. I haven't smoked in 2 days and I can feel my reality. It's nothing! I feel as if I were not real only pure imagination. The only real thing about me is my eyes which are mine but the rest of "Albert" is strange and different. I feel empty. I feel as if I'm not me. I see as if I am in somebodys eyes socket lookin out like looking out of a window. It's either I'm sober or that death is breathing down my back. I'm really scared. What if I die? I think I would be happy. I wouldn't have to live in this really dishonest world anymore. But all my loved ones will still be here in this life time. I would like to apologize to my mom for everything and I love her. I owe her everything she got me to where I'm at now in life, being a summa and about to embark into my new life at college. But I feel the end is near so all is lost. I love Jackie she always makes me smile. I thought our friendship was over b/c of an incident but on Monday when I saw her for the first time in weeks, my heart jumped and I felt so warm inside idk what I'm gonna do if I live and go to a different college than her:( I think PBK is the greatest thing in the world man if they were to make a remake of the three musketeers I think they would call it PBK! THE STORY. I hope I dnt die. I wanna do so much I wanna get high I wanna run I wanna see life I wanna live:( I freaked Anna out earlier. I thouht she was acting weird but it was me and when I noticed that i was feeling and seeing differently I freaked out. I started getting the same feeling after I broke my leg it was like I changed and I was empty and unreal after I broke it. I never wanted to be alone because tears would swallow me. So I started smoking and then I've been getting high ever since. And now It's to a point that i smoke everyday. Everything goes better when I smoke. I'm more focused and I feel normal but idk man what if this feeling isn't sobriety? Goodnight:)